My Blog ^^

Welcome

Tuesday, February 24th, 2026, 6:21PM-6:30PM
Rating: N/A
Topic: This very blog

This is a blog omg! I'll log on here and yap yap yap about my day/opinions. The most recent post will always be at the top (though this particular one will always be right below the header). I hope you enjoy. In the future I'll try and add comments/ a way for you to interact or ask me questions.

Vapor Drunk

Tuesday, July 21st, 2026, 1:18AM-1:40AM
Rating: Mildly comfrontational
Topic: Situationships

I spent nearly all day editing this site. It was a bit frustrating but I really like the layout and look of it now. I even scored some stamps (is that what they're called?). I want to make one for my site but my drawings are so bad. Would anyone even link to my site? Maybe. There is still a lot I want to add, like a music player for some of my covers (and a few original songs), maybe a section for my creative nonfiction project. I'm trying to think of more guides to make. Maybe one on picking a starter telescope? idk. I definitely need to make a shrine for my fursona.

I don't mean to air anyone out, but I need to talk about my best friend for a bit. Basically, she was in a relationship with one of her besties for a bit but they fell out. Her bestie is kind of a drunk, and she sometimes asks to run it back at night (while under the influence). My homegirl says she misses the friendship they used to have and that it's not the same after having broken up. I promise this is going somewhere

If you read my May 3rd post titled 'Fresh Air' you would know I recently had a situationship come and pass. It was basically a speedrun. He started flirting and said he wasn't ready for a relationship within a week. I left out a lot of details, like how we said it'll be fine if it doesn't work out because we were that close, or how he occasionally texts me high. I don't know how to feel really, when we were flirting, it was always at night. When he occasionally texts me, it's always at night. I try to text him sometimes during the day but it's like talking to a completely different person. The conversation fades like a candle in a jar. I miss how we were when we were just friends, now he's kind of wierd about it, and it's hard to admit but so am I

I'm pretty sure he only flirts with me when he's high. He said he missed me one night, talking about how he fumbled. I told him I'd consider it if he could tell me that in the middle of the day. It was like he forgot about it. After that, he sent me some videos on instagram (nothing inappropriate), and the next morning freaked out wondering what he had sent me

It kind of hurts knowing that I'm only viable when he's high, you know? It kills me a bit inside. We didn't end on bad terms, but I might just block him if it happens again

I bring all this up because my homegirl is in the same boat. Her ex only wants to get back at night when she's drunk, and it pisses me and my homegirl off a bit, but I find a bit of humor and even joy in the fact that me and my best friend are both in the same ridiculous situation.

i LOVE neocities

Monday, July 20th, 2026, 1:52AM-2:22AM
Rating: Light
Topic: nothing important

I seriously doubt there are any recurring readers here, but just in case, I started changing the CSS! I'm trying to make the site look more like its namesake, which is why these boxes look the way they do right now. Right now, most of the changes are contained in the blog, but expect the site as a whole to develop soon.

You may notice that I'm writing this late. I was editing the site's CSS and hard reloading a bunch earlier, so neocities IP banned me because I guess they thought I was DDOSsing. That ate like 30 minutes, which I guess doesn't excuse me being up so late.

If you read my previous post, first of all, sorry. I was in a pretty dark place and am too ashamed to open up to my friends about these kinds of things. Just know I'm at a much better place right now. I blocked my dad and haven't spoken to him all summer. I've been consistently hitting the gym and semi-consistently eating less. I've been hanging out with friends. Soon after my last post, I tried to get out of a hangout with a lame excuse and they called me mid hangout to join. I don't know if any of them picked up on my sadness or if they just like me that much but that interaction definitely melted my heart a bit. I'm very fortunate to have them. (I got in the car and drove over immediately, btw)

I went to a concert not that long ago! My Stuffed Rabbit, Flyingfish, and Dead Butterflies all came to my city, plus a few local bands. I have to be honest, I had never heard any of the touring bands before but they were awesome. I had tons of fun in the moshpit getting shoved around by sweaty dudes. I definitely needed that emotional reset after what's gone down the past few months. I just wish I didnt spend all my money on merch (a vinyl, 2 cds, a cassette, and a shirt).

I've already started preparing to leave for college. Part of it is de-cluttering. My mom argues that I'm not going to want any of my accumulated junk after college, and that she couldn't bring herself to throw any of it away, so I spent like 3 days just throwing stuff away, donating some to thrift stores, and putting some of the bigger stuff on Facebook marketplace. It stings, but it scratches that itch for productivity.

A lot is happening. In two days, me and my friends are trying to throw a suprise birthday party for one of our friends. On the same day, college roomate assignments supposedly come out, so I'll finally be in contact with the roomate I've been dying to know.

That's it for now. I hope I can get better at this web design stuff. I finally got into a webring, so I'm trying to take it a bit more seriously, just be patient with me.

You're Calloused

Friday, June 12th, 2026, 2:08AM-3:12AM
Rating: Heavy
Topic: I've been gone for 20 days

Happy pride month everybody!

The last 20 days have been hectic. For starters, I graduated. Yay! It felt like it would never come but it passed! My speech was awful but I was saved by the fact that the valedictorian somehow cooked up a worse one. At least it's over finally. I enjoyed a nice steak dinner to celebrate, and my mom even got me Floral Green by Title Fight on vinyl.

This next paragraph gets kind of heavy, be advised. I haven't updated for 20 days because I've been pretty depressed. On the night I graduated my dad went on another one of his psychotic episodes. I'm pretty used to his routine by now, so I probably would've been fine if I didn't have to watch my mom sob. That's never fun. I kind of coped by just shutting down emotionally. It's not healthy, but it's the only way I know how. I've been making sure to talk to a few of my close friends about it. I've also been hitting the gym a lot. I go late. It feels nice to go out late. It makes me feel in control. Things between my parents got so bad I even had a couple dreams about my ex (he got me through 4 years ago when my dad kicked me out). It wasn't even anything dirty. I had the worst morning of my life because I dreamed of cuddling with the ex, feeling all fluffy and peaceful, just to wake up and slowly remember the reality I was living. Not fun at all. Things got so bad my dad even threatened to kick me out. AGAIN.

I don't know who reads these. I'd like to imagine there's some cool people in the crowd. I don't know what your relationship with your parents is like, but I'd imagine there's at least one person who's at odds with them. No contact, kicked out, looked down upon. If you ever feel guilty for the way things are, don't. In my eighteen and a half years of life I've done everything right. I never touched a single substance. I never snuck out. I never got anyone pregnant. I never got into fights. I kept to myself. I got good grades. I graduated at the top of my class with a full ride scholarship to a fancy university. All of this just to have a dad that hates me and tries to kick me out every summer. Sometimes there's just no winning. Sometimes I think to myself and wonder what I did in a past life to deserve the dad I have in this one.

That's been my summer so far. I doomscroll in my room trying not to let things get to me. I leave to eat, go the bathroom, and go to the gym. Tension isn't so high anymore. My dad went to rehab for a bit, and he's calm because he's on a laundry list of antipsychotics, but I know it's only a matter of time until his next meltdown. No amount of pills or rehab or therapy or voodoo sci-fi astrology witchcraft will fix him. He's going to make me and my mom miserable until he finally goes to hell.

Sorry to get so heavy, these thoughts have just been weighing on me and this is my only outlet to just let it all out. I'll pay no more mind to this subject.

I finally made a fursona. ! . He's just my webfishing cat. I named him Ssnow (after the song 'the disapearance of robbie ssnow'). I can't draw so I commissioned this guy to draw him. I'll make a page for my sonas eventually, but here are the basics. He represents the more introspective 'inner' side of me. He has a counterpart, though that still only exists in my head. Also don't get too exited, but all of my sonas will come with official playlists. Because why not.

That's all I have. Hopefully I'll have more fun stuff to write about this summer. Sorry if you read through all of this. Don't worry about me, okay?

My handkerchief is covered in blood

Saturday, May 23rd, 2026, 9:52PM-10:43PM
Rating: Mild gore
Topic: Too many

I wanted to write here many times but was always too busy, well, here I am.

The Thursday after my last post, I got a letter from myself. My english teacher made us write to ourselves at the start of the school year, and since I'm graduating soon, I finally recieved it. The full thing is a little embarrassing, but there are some gems like "screw love, love science" which I should have kept in mind instead of screwing around with dead-end situationships and infatuationships (new term i just coined). My younger self promised me he'd do his best to establish a good mathematical foundation. At least he didn't mess that up.

The Friday after my last post was ditch day (a.k.a. doctor's appointment day). I went to Chili's with my friends we bumped into one of our friends who graduated last year. I'm never eating the damn triple dipper again.

The Saturday after my last post was prom. It kind of sucked. Me and my friends played Yahtzee for most of it. A lot of people left early to go to the afterparty (which got canceled btw). When most of my friends left, I stayed behind. Me and another friend (who I like but is lowkey hated by the rest of my friends) danced. We got the DJ to play Hello Juliet and waltzed. It was great. No complaints.

Last monday I bought a yearbook. I went and got a bunch of my teachers (past and present) to sign it. All my teachers wrote entire paragraphs. I don't know why, but all my friends and aquaintances wrote paragraphs too.

Last Wednesday I left to California for a special trip. It was with a bunch of my nerd friends. One of my friends had a nosebleed on the bus ride there and ruined my handkerchief. We went to Los Angeles, Universal Studios (for grad bash) and the Santa Monica beach. It was great. Universal had us tired by 10 and we had to stay until 2 AM. One of my friends was sleepwalking in line for the Mummy and didn't realize they were on the ride until it started accelerating. The beach was really fun. My baggy jeans got caked in seawater and sand. I drew the stupid Twin Fantasy dogs in the beach and recorded a video of the ocean washing it away. Our group ate at Bubba Gumps. I enjoyed some chowder and gumbo while secretly grieving that this would likely be the last time I'd be out with these people. I had fun. I got home and crashed. Here we are

I have become oranges

Wednesday, May 13th, 2026, 5:22PM-5:47PM
Rating: Funny
Topic: Citrus

When people get meals from school, they will sometimes leave some or most of it by the lunchline. When this happens, whatever is left is up for grabs. Milk, fruits, cheese sticks, etc. Last week, I took advantage of this by snatching up every orange that was left behind. I posted a picture of my story of my bag with like seven oranges. It was a hoot. I ate them all in gov class and, while I forgot to take a picture, posted another story proclaiming I was the reason gov class smelled like oranges. It was funny. I had engagement for a bit. Since that point, two people have gifted me oranges. I've become the orange guy. People shovel their unwanted oranges towards me. Whereas before I had to actively seek them out, now they find their way towards me. I might aswell change my name to Oranges Georg.

I got called into the counselor's office today. Two other people were there, one of which was my friend Morel (fake name). The counselor told us to write speeches since number one and two have to speak at graduation. Here's a secret though, the top five-ish spots never change. I have until next Wednesday to prepare my Salutatorian speech. No pressure at all. My saving grace is that my speech gets to be more light-hearted and funny. This is great. I already have a few jokes in the barrel. My mom's gonna be SO MAD. There's eightteen days until graduation. Yes, I'm counting. Ninety-three until move-in day at my college. I'm exited. You should be too. I can write so much more interesting stuff here once I'm over there.

War is Over

Monday, May 11th, 2026, 7:55PM-8:02PM
Rating: Relaxing
Topic: Ease

War is over for me. Today I took my final AP exam. Calculus. OH MY GOD. I GOT ABSOLUTELY ROBBED. MY SCHOOL GAVE ME AND MY FRIENDS AB TESTS WHEN WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GET THE BC VERSION. The one I took was so easy I almost fell asleep. There was nothing exciting or exhilarating about it at all. I'll have to take calc 2 in college! After studying it all year! >:( I'm kind of mad but only a little. I heard the BC test was really hard. Also, I wouldn't mind getting the university calc experience. (There's no limit to the COPE). For now I'm just coasting until graduation and move in at college. I'll try and keep studying to get ahead as best I can.

Deep Time

Friday, May 8th, 2026, 5:03PM-5:28PM
Rating:Relieved
Topic: My eyebags

This has been the longest week of my life. 3 AP tests and two banquets, one of which I have to leave for at 6. I feel pretty good about the AP lit test. I couldn't write about Fahrenheit 451 like I had hoped but I wrote a pretty good essay about Animal Farm for the third FRQ. The macro test sucked though, I felt like that one clip of Jogo after Sukuna blasts him with fire in the Shibuya arc. I still have one more AP test. Calc BC. I'm actually exited for this one though. I live and breathe math. It'll be fun.

I forgot to mention this but I bought three Whirr CDs because they re-pressed all their albums. I''m also probably going to get the Ceres and Calypso in the Deep Time deluxe vinyl because I got my allowance. I'm terrible.

I don't know what else to talk about, but I like typing here. Oh well, I'll have something later

Stay In Touch

Tuesday, May 5th, 2026 9:19PM-9:44PM
Rating: Exhausting
Topic: Fiberglass boats

I saw my ex more than I'd have liked to today. Not the situationship from last post, that doesn't even count. My first and only one, all the way back from freshman year (I'm pathetic, I know). We took the AP gov test today. It was honestly easier than I was expecting. I'll probably get a 4 or 5. My ex was in my testing room. After getting so close to breaking my celibacy streak, I couldn't help but think of him a bit. A lot. Especially with all the time we had between sections. I had like 20+ minutes leftover for each section by the way. The hardest part of the test was staying awake. I just miss having someone to hold, you know? I did a polar integral just to pass the time. I didn't even imagine anything dirty, just him laying down with me telling me I'm enough. I forgot to divide by 2 at the end. Either way, I probably had it wrong. Maybe I'll get it right in college.

Our graduating class is doing superlatives. Everyone put me under most likely to succeed. Even the popular football kids. No one even considered the valedictorian. I guess #2 isn't so bad. It's weird to be known by the popular kids though. I've always imagined myself as the guy everyone will forget. I feel bad. #1 is going to the local university because he doesn't have the money to go anywhere else nor the papers for the big scholarships. He could have easily gone to MIT or Caltech and put me to shame. Oh well. He'll probably transfer if he knows what's good for him. I don't have an end in mind for this paragraph, I'm just rambling.

I recently rediscovered one of my favorite songs. Stay in Touch by Interpol. I used to blast this when I would sit in the shower in the latter half of junior year. I wonder why I ever stopped that.

I have the AP lit test tomorrow morning. I'm writing here instead of reviewing my books, so be sure to appreciate my rambling tonight.

Fresh air

Sunday, May 3rd, 2026, 4:18PM-5:04PM
Rating: Chills
Topic: Rock me, Joe

It's been a while since I updated the site. I'm not depressed or anything. The opposite, in fact. Last blog post I whined about how slow the last stretch of school was going. I'm eating my words as we speak. AP Exams begin this week. There are officially few enough days until graduation that I can count them on my six hands. I'm exited for that AP Calc exam (math is fun again). I'm dreading that AP Lit exam.

On record store day I went to my local record store and bough an actual record. Doolittle by the Pixies. It was the first time I bought an actual record there (I usually get CDs). It's special to me. I'm listening to it for the first time as I write this.

So much has happened in the month I was out. I HAD A WHOLE SITUATIONSHIP COME AND GO. ME! One of my debate friends started flirting with me. We were never official but we both wanted each other. We weren't official because he was/is in a super vulnerable spot. Literally kicked out by his mom. I kind of knew sooner or later he'd break it off saying he didn't have the headspace to commit to anything. Well, wouldn't you know, that's exactly what happened. While I was on the toilet, mind you. I'm not that sad, don't tell him I said that. I'm more just amazed and exited that I'm capable of being loved, being wanted at all. After three years of self-sabatoging relationships and studying on friday nights, it was a breath of fresh air. I'm a little relieved. Right before we started situating, my best friend told me about this cute guy and I went on this emo tirade about there not being enough time and waiting 'till college before committing to anything, and I betrayed everything I said to be with this guy, but truthfully I'm not sure what I would have done when college came. I'm a thirsty dog I suppose.

The most embarrassing thing happened a couple weeks ago. Me and the math team were out of town for regional competition. On one of our off days, we went to Barne's and Noble. Our calculus teacher/coach was out and about the store and me and my friends were in a group shopping around (punctuation is afraid of me). I had two books in my arm. I had Project Hail Mary, because it's all the rage right now. I also had (this is something only the other gay furries reading will know) Smell by Nagabe. If you know, you know. :) WELL, I was holding my books such that PHM was on the outside and Smell was on the inside. duh. Sma(e)ll problem though, Smell is bigger than PHM from the front profile. Well, my calculus teacher saw me walking with my literature. He was exited about PHM because he's also a nerd and was reading it. He didn't ask me about the book behind it, probably because he saw me all jumpy trying to hide it and saw my friends snickering at the whole interaction. That happened. Paying for the books was also pretty awkward. The embarrassment was worth it, though. I just wish the physical copy of the book wasn't censored. Other fun stuff happened on that trip. We went to the cheesecake factory and told the waitress that it was out teacher's birthday. We also started calling him by his first name. We're his favorite kids, we can do that.

I hope I get to see some concerts here before I literally move to the other side of the state. I already missed Nothing, Fleshwater, and BTS. Those first two were S-tier concerts I missed. Theres a few B-tier people coming in, like the Deceits. It's sad though, they're already announcing concerts that will take place when I'm gone.

I know this was a long one. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read any of these. It means a lot that there's someone out there who can hear my thoughts and (hopefully) understand me.

Edged by school

Sunday, April 5th, 2026, 9:05PM-9:41PM
Rating: Actually happy for once?
Topic: Wasted Food

Today is Easter. I tried smoking ribs for my family but it's been so long since I've smoked that I ended up completely burning them. At least the potatoes and sausages came out good. I'm still bummed out that the ribs were crap though.

It's been a while since I last wrote. I finally got the space gallery to work, but I held off on writing about it just in case it broke again. Go look at it!

This is going to sound cheesy but I recently had my brain chemistry completely altered by music. I heard a snippet of the song Ace by Descendants on a tiktok edit. The next day I listened to it at school and could not put it down. Its the first outwardly positive song to really resonate with me. It made me reflect on the way I view the people around me, aspects of my life which I previously had planned out, the life I was currently living. It just makes me want to stop sulkling and start working towards my goals. It's hard to put into words. The song literally says "You've got a lot to live for" and "You'll be remembered for the good that you've done". I truly think this song has altered the trajectory (not spell checking tha) of my life in a good way. A side effect of my obsession with this song is that I've been obsessed with the idea of 'reinventing' myself during college. Yeah, thing's aren't so bad here, but I have a sort of reputation as that shy, weird, depressed kid who spends too much time in his head. That's not how I want to be remembered. When I go to college I'll get a clean slate. I'll be able to slip into a better version of myself, someone bold, someone outgoing, someone happy.

All of the adults in my life told me that this year would go the quickest. Maybe that was true for its first half, but when you get accepted into your dream college with a full ride scholarship, the last months of highschool could not pass slower. I'm just coasting by, counting the weeks, scouring my university website every chance I get to preemptively get to it in any way I can. I visited the school during the fall, and in that visit I had already imagined myself studying there, eating there, sleeping there. Ever since I got accepted time seemed to slow down. I'm truly in the final stretch of school. My final assignments, final AP tests, final competitions, my final everything is basically in the next 1.5 months. I just hope the chaos of it all makes it go a little faster than the past 4 months.

This is exhausting

Sunday, March 29th, 2026, 7:40PM-7:50PM
Rating: Humiliating
Topic: :(

Alternate title for this post: I'm sorry pt. 2

When I added all my images to the space gallery, they fit in their frames just fine. I come back a few days later, and they're all massive, going off screen. I don't know what's going wrong. Apologies to anyone who has to see my trainwreck of a site. I'll just take down the gallery link until I can fix it.

I have some exiting news though. Yesterday they held the academics competitions. UIL, for those who know. I only went in for 2 categories. In my district I got 5th in math, which is okay i guess. I managed to snag the first place for science though, meaning I'll get to go to regionals.

I have a lot on my mind but I have to keep this short because I'm absolutely swamped with homework. Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read these.

I"M SORRY

Thursday, March 26th, 2026, 9:04PM-9:12PM
Rating: Apologetic
Topic: I'm a bum who can't design websites

I accidently made the moon in the corner MASSIVE for a day. Not only that but I saw the visit count jump ny like 10 during that day. How embarrasing! Hopefully it was just bots. I finally got around to filling up the space gallery, go check it out! I don't know what else to write. I came this close to giving up on calculus because of Lagrange error bounds but bounced back after seeing a video about hispanics being one of the most underrepresented minorities in STEM. It gave me the motivation to lock in.

A Cursed Record

Tuesday, March 17th, 2026, 10:30PM-10:47PM
Rating: Spooky
Topic: I'm tired

Last Sunday I got a new record in the mail. Disaster Trick by Horse Jumper of Love. It's so good. Well, I'm convinced this album is cursed. The first time I spum it, it skipped during my favorite song. The second time I spun it, the needle ejected during my favorite song and landed on the first track. I'm convinced that this vinyl just doesn't want to be played. Maybe I'll have better luck with it during winter?

It's been a hot minute since I last updated the site. I was out for the State Debate trip. That trip was... certainly something. I really can't tell if I regret going or not. I'm just happy to be home and back at school.

Exiting things are happening on this site! I added a guestbook, courtesy of Atabook. I'm also working on a page of various guides. I'm currently working on a guide for anyone interested in getting into model rocketry. The page is incomplete as of right now, but it will be accessible as soon as I have all the text written down.

With the advent of me driving and my seasonal depression wearing off and the longer days, it looks like I'm finally gonna get back into my old hobbies. I went to the hobby shop and bought some rocket motors (though it was mostly an excuse to tell one of my mentors about my college acceptance). Things are looking up.

uwu

Monday, March 9th, 2026, 12:47AM-12:55AM
Rating: Obscene
Topic: irl paws

I saw the funniest thing today. I was at the gym. It was right before closing, so pretty empty. I was doing a chest machine and there was this guy in the area in front of me. He was skinny but muscular. Muscular and veiny, skinny muscles though. His sleeves were rolled up. Definitely derived from the chad archetype. Anyways, he had this lady with him. They were doing forearm excercises. He kept demonstrating how to do them, and everytime he did it looked like he was pawing at the air. I can't make this up. I feel bad but I wanted to burst out laughing. I couldn't hold back a smirk from spreading across my face. I hope he didn't notice.

oh no

Friday, March 6th, 2026, 10:24PM-10:29PM
Rating:Hysterical
Topic:Misery

WHY did I start reading Normalsville? Why did I do this to myself? There is no happiness, no joy, no good endings, just cheating and lying and substances. Every plotline is like watching a car crash in slow motion. I can't look away. Yes, I am salty that Ferris ended up with Owen after all his struggles.

Colon Three

Thursday, March 5th, 2026, 12:10AM-12:20AM
Rating: Mundane
Topic:I'm a gay emo furry :(

I finally listened to an album I had been putting off for a while. Disaster Trick by Horse Jumper of Love. It's really great. I can't pick a favorite track. It's a perfect winter album, but I think it's for the better that I didn't listen to it during the winter because it would not have helped my seasonal depression at all. I also started reading Normalsville. It's realy fun. I love Harrod. And Ferris. Ferris is the best. Poor Ferris. These two pieces of media are forever connected in my head. I decided to start reading the webcomic while listening to the album for the first time. It was surreal. I highly recommend it. I still haven't done anything productive, which is a good thing, I do enough of that during school. Okay, you caught me, I lied. I did do something productive. I mapped out a set of flashcards I'm going to make containing every topic in calc bc. Before the AP test I plan on going to the park and reviewing all of calculus with chalk. :3

Rotmaxxing

Tuesday, March 3rd, 2026, 8:51PM-9:03PM
Rating: Chill
Topic: Break

Neocities says this site has 174 views. I don't know if they're all from me testing things out or if there are some strangers mixed in. If you are a stranger, hi! We should become net neighbors! I know the site is lackluster right now but it will be perpetually under development and improving.

School let out for spring break. I have done absolutely nothing productive with all my free time. I guess I've been hitting the gym, but that's more for my own enjoyment than anything else. I recently started playing Atlyss. I can't quite put my finger on it but something about it is just... great :) I beat the main story in a couple days. Don't worry, I touch grass, there just isn't much story so far. I'm pretty sure the game is still being developed. Feel free to reach out if you want to play Steam games btw. I have Atlyss, Phasmophobia, Repo, Terraria, just to name a few. Of course, no game would be complete without tv playing on the second monitor. I feel awful. I was rewatching Malcolm in the Middle, but I paused that rewatch to rewatch Futarama. I couldn't trudge through the new seasons of Futarama, so I started watching a new show. I started watching Community. It's great. Jeff is so fine.

Nostalgiamaxxing

Thursday, February 26th, 2026, 9:33PM-10:35PM
Rating: Bittersweet
Topic: SageGenesis

Months ago, I was brutally kept up at night. I kept hearing this heavenly guitar riff in my head. I had heard it before, but I forgot where. It was torture. I went through my mp3 player listening to all the albums it could have been from, nothing. Eventually I lost hope, I fell asleep, and I went on about my life. I went to school, took tests, studied, worked out, hung out with my friends, and every now and again that melody would enter my head, sometimes taunting me, sometimes giving encouragement, sometimes judging me, but always out of reach. Well, I finally found it. I was rewatching one of my highlight reels, the one where I used to post concert clips. I was tapping through it, trying to get to one of the newer clips but I froze. I heard that melody, exactly as I remembered it, well, as exact as my phone's crappy mic could make out.

Last year I was a junior, and I had a senior friend I looked up to. He had his own band. I loved them. I couldn't go to most of their shows because my mom wouldn't let me go to house shows, but last summer they headlined the local venue with a bunch of other local bands. The song that had been haunting me was from one of those bands. I heard it exactly once, live, and it didn't leave my mind but instead buried itself under the floorboard and thumped at the worst possible times. Something doesn't sit right with me. It's an upbeat song (by my depressing standards) but I still feel sad when I listen to it.

The years of my life can easily be defined by the music I listened to during them. Last year was easily the most fun year of highschool I've had. Last year I flew model rockets, planes, and drones, my desk was messy with my soldering iron and microcontrollers, I made stuff. Last year the iminent graduation still felt far away. There was a certain magic I could feel last year. This was reflected in the music I listened to, jagged and upbeat post-punk. Bands like Preoccupations, Deeper, and N0V3L (go check them out!). Everything's different now though. All my electronic and rocket stuff is tucked away. I don't have the time to play with them and I don't have the motivation to make time for them. I forgot all the skills I had built and I don't have the motivation to learn them again. I'm washed. This alone wouldn't make me so sad though, there's something else. Every year I've had some sort of role model. Last year it was that senior and his band. He was so nonchalant. He was never worried. He was never bothered. I don't know why exactly but I looked up to him, I got attached to him. He made me feel safe, he made me feel seen.

He's gone now. Going to that concert was like saying farewell. I even had an interesting dream about that concert, but this is already dragging on. I'm the senior now. For the first time there is nobody to look up to, no shelter to take comfort. I look behind me at all the underclassmen and I silently grieve knowing I can't do for them what the seniors before me did for me. There are only 11 fridays until graduation. I wasn't ready last year. I wasn't ready during december when I got my college acceptance. i'm not ready today. I won't be ready tomorrow.

A few weeks ago I made a feeble attempt to reclaim the comfort I had last year. I downloaded a bunch of the songs I listened to at the time and put them on. It didn't help me at all. That song though, that melody, that concert forced me to come to terms with the shift happening. Maybe that's why it stuck to me when all the other music didn't. Now that I have that song in my ear, it fills me with sadness remembering what once was, but also the determination to push through.

First Entry!

Wednesday, February 25th, 2026, 8:56PM-9:10PM
Rating: Modest
Topic: Double Homocide (and calculus)

My calculus teacher had been out for a while. I want to say at least a week there were substitutes for his class. Well, he was finally back in today (3 days before break btw) and he told us the reason he was out. He was doing jury duty on a double homocide case! He said the murders took place in the neighborhood in front of one of the schools in our district. Coincidentally, (I hope I spelled that right) I drove in between that school/neighborhood while picking up dinner. I got the chills, mostly from my air conditioner blasting cold air straight onto my arms while the light of a thousand suns from the car behind me bounced of the mirror and went straight into my retinas. There were also a bunch of cars lining the streets between the school and neighborhood, but I'm sure it was unrelated to the murders. I definitely regret driving through there, not because of the case but because I'm feeling the weight of all the food I ate. Nashville hot chicken. The kind of food that makes you feel guilty for having a mouth and teeth at all. I want to fast for a week after that, though of course I'll be eating like nothing happened tomorrow. I really don't know how to end these things so I'll just stop typing.